Last week She took me to the emergency room at 4:00 AM with pain I can only describe as a devil dog trying to claw and bite his way out of my lower left abdominal area. After a few quick internet searches to find out which side of my body my spleen and appendix were on, I was all but convinced I would have to queue up for a liver transplant. A few intravenous drugs and a CAT Scan later, it was determined that I was passing a 5 millimeter kidney stone. I’m no whiz with the metric system, but from my skateboarding days I knew there was a big difference in 50 mm wheels and 55 mm wheels.
When I was released from the ER, my doctor gave me a list of things to do and not do, listed here from memory:
- Do not drink soda or ingest caramel coloring (check, don’t really do that)
- Don’t eat a super high protein diet (umm, We have been fad dieting and eating almost nothing but eggs and meat)
- Don’t drink too much coffee (one cup in the morning, that’s it)
- Don’t eat too many rich, leafy greens (I’ve been eating the fuck out of kale, swiss chard and romain…how could this be bad for me? Being healthy is weird.
- And finally: Don’t drink grapefruit juice.
I had to laugh (even though that really hurts in the kidney) at that last one. I used to be a big bourbon/scotch/whiskey drinker. I switched to vodka because it seemed, umm, healthier. I decided on greyhounds because they are tasty and I thought that grapefruit juice almost made it a health drink. I’ve literally had like a million gallons of grapefruit juice over the past 6 months.
Well, because of drinking healthy, I now had a 5 mm asteroid floating through my organs. In addition to modifying the fad diet, I needed to find a new goto drink. I can’t drink too many acidic drinks, so even though I love gin and vodka, all the mixers I like with them are acid heavy. It’s back to whiskey. I wanted something classic and without much hullaballoo. Straight whiskey is great, but as I told her, I don’t want to be fucked up at 8 PM. I also don’t want to much muddling and grinding and searching for sugar packets and herbs and fruit–and definitely no celery (or rich leafy greens, because remember they are terrible for you).
She recommended the Perfect Manhattan. Nice, I thought. I like Manhattans, and the sweet & dry Vermouths cut the bourbon (or rye whiskey) nicely. I am experimenting with one (ok, four) of them tonight. So far, so good. I think this may be my new drink of choice.
Now to find the perfect highball glass…